If you couldn’t tell by the title or the image above, I am about to lay on the nerdery quite thick, so you may want to hold on to something….
To begin, I want to make a statement: Personal evolution is an interesting thing. One minute we are boldly charging in one direction and making decisions based on that present moment, but evolution is a slow process. Scientifically speaking, it is a super slow process; however, when you consider a normal lifespan, our growth is a bit faster (or slower some people). The point I am getting at with this statement is this:
Thinking back to the days of D&D, console gaming with my best buds, being a jock of many sports, creating art of a dark nature, being a touch of a goth, and being a popular freak and a non-socially accepted nerd (all at the same time) I can’t help but smile at those times of capricious youth. I naturally follow the stream to when I turned into a glam and hair guru who loved the rave scene, which further progressed into a 9-5 single mom of very little fun, back to gaming again, back to art again, and now being a nerdy 9-5’er who loves her art and her jockiness all at the same time while heading up a rag tag group I like to call my family.
My personal evolution has finally allowed me to house all three aspects of my being in the same place at the same time. It is not unlike Goldilocks…
It was too big, it was too small, and now – it is just right.
I think, as we age, we begin to fit on the inside. Sure, we stop physically growing when we reach a certain age (unless you want to get ridiculously technical and say we physically always grow or shrink in volume), but our inner self is still that kid with a lot of growing left to do. For me, I have found that I can house the aspects of myself in the same body and not feel ashamed that I love gaming or art or being a fitness freak. I can even talk openly about all the different pieces of myself with people and not care if they think I am weird or whatever.
Honestly, revising my last statement, I don’t think it has anything to do with not caring (now that I think about it) because I do care about the feelings of myself and that of others, but somewhere there is a place inside me that believes most people just want to be engaged and feel important to the people around them. I was having a conversation with the munchkin this morning about feeling invisible or ignored. It actually came up when she told me that she was joining the Youth Group at her Grandma’s church when she is at her dad’s house. I told her that at one point in my childhood, I attended a youth group with some of the neighbor kids in my area. I told her that I went until I was basically kicked out for being different.
I had to retract the term ‘kicked out’ and revise the statement to explain that it was the children in the youth group who shunned and ignored me because I didn’t look, act or dress like them, to the point where I quit going. Kids are cruel, we all know this, and in case we ever forget, the news and YouTube quickly remind us of that one heh.
The point of discussing this with her was simple as well. I explained that no one likes to feel ignored or excluded. I asked her to think of a time that it happened to her and how it made her feel. She agreed that it was not a great feeling, and that is when I told her to remember that as she goes through middle and high school. Everyone wants to belong and be part of something bigger. No one has the right to try to take that away or hinder someone from that ideal. However, I did tell her that she could avoid the mean people who go out of their way to inflict hurt on others. There is no reason to try to give time to people who just want to hurt you.
Once she was dropped off, I thought about this more philosophically than I could with her in the car. Can we really exclude people who wronged or hurt us? Perhaps there is an underlying reason for why they do what it is they do. Follow my logic train for a minute:
Is it because they have been alone and neglected so much that it makes them bitter towards everyone? Did something terrible happen to them in the past that has made them this way? Can hate, anger, sadness, and pain really be overcome by the kindness of strangers? Would consistent kindness without any expectation for change build a trust between them and you? Is it even worth the extended effort to try?
On one hand, you could leave well enough alone – let them fester and ooze – and on the other hand, you could try your best to be the example of how the world should/could be. It could be quite the deep dilemma…
As I have evolved, I struggle with the caring part. Not a lack of care, mind you, but with the too much care aimed at all the correct things. Or, at least correct based on my own moral compass. I care about how I feel, physically and emotionally, I care about how my actions can affect others, and I care about living my life with the most positive outlook possible. Thus, why I don’t feel it is necessary to segregate parts of my personality with the people I meet. I put myself out there, with no expectation that it will be reciprocated; the chance that it will make someone feel secure enough to let their guard down and exchange ideas and thoughts is just to big a pay-off to sit around and do nothing. What is that saying? High risk, high reward?
Yeah, I believe it has become worth the risk. We have this one life, and I would prefer not to consider aspects of it as regretful. That does not mean I don’t have regrets, it just means that I do not focus on them and make my life full of them.
So, now that my soapbox/tangent is done, what does it all mean? It means this:
I am truly happy at this present moment and that is all that I need. Happiness, being a light for myself rather than looking for something to be that light in my life, living in all the present moments, being with my family, and finally appreciating that being a caring person is not a weakness has helped me to evolve into the exact nerd I want to be!
It’s actually funny; there were people and things I used to grudge over, but over the 2014 year, I just feel less and less consumed by the older darkness that used to be inside me. I am not sure if it began with accepting that there would be apologies never said, the apology and forgiveness I gave for myself, my yoga and medication practice, the gym, evolving, or just being accepting of the person I am, but whatever the first step was, it was a glorious move.
I haven’t looked back since…
So, as I finish my Greek yogurt and prepare to sign off, I wish to thank you all for reading, allowing me to practice in Ahimsa, and now I must be off…