That Is The Sound Of Settling

You know, some mornings just get you in an uppity mood for no other reason than you have not had time to settle and center yourself.  I was having one of those mornings, let me tell you.  I am already a little on edge with the potential for news, but it just compounded the fact that sometimes I feel like I get stuck in this “wait on me hand and foot” mode with family; like I get taken for granted.  I finally had a moment of snappage with the munchkin because she seems to think, with summer around the corner, that she can slack off on her chores and household responsibilities.

I get up at 5:30 AM during the weekday so that I have time to get ready, not make sure that everyone else is good to go so then I can rush to get my own routine tasks done.  We had a long conversation about losing privileges and allowance if the chores and other duties were not kept up with.  At 11 years old, there are some things I know she is old enough to be responsible for and she has not been living up to that.

Another thing that had me in a bit of a fit is that I can tell, hormonally speaking, my “flow” is shortly upon us LOL!  It is such an odd thing.  I don’t ever get a full blown PMS, it is always like 1-2 symptoms and always slightly different each time.  One month might be a break-out and crying at commercials, and the next month it might be bloating and rage.  It is so weird how the body works.  This month seems to be a bit of the short fuse factor and tiredness.  I know, a whole lot more information than you really needed but it does help with understanding how I could be in such a state today.

The final straw was the internet.  Yes, this crazy, vast digital frontier was a final source to my frustration this morning.  I was literally just talking with a friend last night about her little social media experiment to just randomly talk to people she wanted to get to know better.  I told her honestly that I felt that most people went to the internet, or more specifically social media, to make connections just like everyone else and encouraged her to do it.  However, this morning I could feel a different tone to the social media field of Google Plus that I don’t care for – the high school popularity contest.

If I had one complaint about the “Goog” it is that.  Sometimes it truly feels like quality isn’t nearly as important as popularity.  If you are “in the cool crowd” you have a billion followers and it doesn’t matter the quality of posting, just that they have posted.  This is further perpetuated by circle sharing.  If you are cool, you are put into the “What’s Hot” and all the “coolest” circle shares and shared by more cool people, and thus attracting more circles.  Now, to make matters worse, you have people who WANT to be cool, so they try to circle all the cool people in hopes that some of that coolness will rub off on them and further their brand as well.

Let’s face it, we are all marketing ourselves and our brand (also known as our style and identity) when we use social media, and when we don’t feel like we fit in, we feel like our brand and ourselves are being rejected.  This is such an uncool and shitty feeling.  Conversely, not every cool person is trying to be “a douchey cool person” and do not see the whole picture and that is okay, but the ones who try to “work” the system kind of make me feel a bit ill.  Don’t get me wrong, it is smart, but it also feels a bit smarmy to me as well.  Like that used car salesmen vibe.

In addition, when you get down to the meat and potatoes of it all, what is being internet famous?  Does it pay the bills for you?  Does it help you get to a place you want to be in life?  Does it bring you closer to your family?  Is it simply to inflate your ego?

Because, when I think about it, I can equate it to my current job’s culture in the sense that if you are “kind of a big deal”, what does that really mean?  Well, it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, really.  If I want to be thought about for something, I would prefer it be for my cool art or my kind heart.  That’s right – I want to be remembered in life as someone who made neat shit and was known for being compassionate with those people around me.  To me, that is the truest inspiration we can give the world in a way to see it change in a positive light.

So, what can be done about it?  Nothing, of course, but the real thing you have to ask yourself is “do I want to play that game?”, and if you have an answer for that, then you know what you should do.  It is really the same thing for life in general.  If you don’t like something in your life, you ask the right questions, like “can I live without it?”, “can I live with it?”, “what are the repercussions to keeping or losing it?” and “will making this change make me a happier person?”

I had a few of these questions this morning and I also had answers to them as well.  They came to me during my practice and meditation.  First I thought about this – completely reciting it in my head:

NAMASTE

I honor the place in you 
in which the entire Universe dwells, 
I honor the place in you 
which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peace. 
When you are in that place in you, 
and I am in that place in me, 
we are One.


I started out my practice with that thought in my heart, and I started to feel the frustrations slip away.  Each inhale and exhale took me farther away from my inner snarky little bitch and closer to the centered and settled person I feel like right now.  I was reminded of something I saw on Pinterest and repinned a few weeks ago too:

“Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.” – Mooji
As humans, we are complex creatures.  I look at people – even at the gym as I run and they move past me – and I see a universe of thoughts and experiences.  From young and old, I imagine them to be like visitors in my space that share it for a time and then move out of it.  Emotions are very much the same.  I think the problems arise when we try to hold onto emotions for security or affirmation way past their expiration date.  They begin to sour us and make us stale.  We cannot always be happy, sad, angry, or content.  We have too diverse a psyche to simply be one thing or feel one thing all the time.
I think that is why I appreciate and am grateful for my yoga, meditation, and gym time.  It is my time to center myself and align my emotions to a positive flow.  It gives me pause to focus on what really matters in life.
Even though I am not a person who generally buys into the indoctrination of self-help literature or propaganda for the sake of pushing someone falsely into fame, I am a fan of the experiences and writings of Melody Beattie, and she said:
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” 

One of the fundamental principles of yoga is finding that place of gratitude and embracing it.  With each flow and with each vinyasa, you take out the mental trash and replace it with gratitude, forgiveness, and peace.
So, this morning, I thought about the book, The Language of Letting Go, and went to my favorite passage:
“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people’s lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”   

After that, my energy and my day were renewed, which was a good thing because now that it is just past 9:40 AM, I still have an entire day of good vibes and settled nerves to get through it all.
I wish you all the best for today, and hope to catch up with you again real soon.
Until then….
Namaste ♥
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9 thoughts on “That Is The Sound Of Settling

  1. Rachael Alexandra says:

    “when we use social media, and when we don't feel like we fit in, we feel like our brand and ourselves are being rejected. This is such an uncool and shitty feeling.”

    I just want you to know that me, online or off up there. I also want you to know you are one if the cool people on g+. I feel vulnerable just talking to you because it's like talking to the popular girl and hoping you won't be cast aside.

    There's a lot of other things but I'm trying to catch up n comment a little while I have the moments

  2. Jaded Pixels says:

    Rachael,

    I do believe that we all have people we associate as “cool people” that we talk to and think, “Oh crap, these people are letting the little kid over to the table – I better be on my best behavior.”

    After a might awkward youth and being shot down for my art in various avenues, I truly never feel that cool. However, I have picked up on the fact that we may not think we are cool, but to someone, we are. Identity and branding go a long way in people's perceptions too.

    I try to stay positive most of the time, but that is because I really do want to help people, mentor, and leave a good mark on the world. That does not mean that I do not have a side that gets sad, frustrated, lonely or whatnot, because we all do.

    Recently, I was talking to someone about how much more I was enjoying emptying the contents of brain here over going over to G+. Lately, whether real or not, I have felt alienated there. Not by people who matter, mind you, but by the overall community in general. It doesn't feel like a source for inspiration, but it does feel like a driving force for feeling sad, unappreciated, and invisible.

    If I wanted to feel like that, I would just stay at work 24/7, because that is what it feels like. My job, work, etc.

    When I come to this forum, I can let loose my words and my thoughts, which revitalize my creativity and my sense of purpose.

    I appreciate you catching up with me, I had been thinking about you and how you were doing this past week…

    Oh, and you should never feel weird around me because to me, you are a rockstar! ♥

  3. Rachael Alexandra says:

    Feeling invisible… I feel like a failure. Failure as an artist, most certainly a failure of being a brand marketer. I was coerced into joining g+ by someone a great deal more successful than myself. I've always just tucked my art away. Maybe a peice or two up on DA and if someone sees it, they see it and if they don't they don't. This was purposeful because I don't handle rejection well. Coming from a life of being outright bullied and physically and mentally assaulted to the point I left school at 16. I am safer alone.

    I was once told by someone I knew (this is outside of school that I had already left) that people never initiated plans with me or called me back but were still friendly because they felt sorry for me. Even the goths and punks had no use for me. He told me I was just too strange and not in a hood way. It was a compassionate gesture and intention on both counts but ultimately changed the entire course of my life. I was safer alone. I was told that at 17 years old and since then I have had bit maybe two friends that I've known for multiple years. It still holds true now because honestly I'm not about inspiration and happy faces. I am about expression and feeling, the raw shit. That's where it's at for me. That's what interest me.

    In thought I am a very selfish person, in practice I am not. My artistic side is self indulgent as most art I feel is, but I don't pretend to make it about anyone else but me. I know it's not popular but I have no interest in being an inspiration because I'm nothing to be inspired by. People don't like that. I don't like to lie, so it's a conflict. And when most people say that my bills hit meter starts blipping. I coukd craft the most perfect persona if I chose to do so and would be a great deal more “successful” but it would be smoke and mirrors and nothing but Bs. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I have often thought of doing that very thing to prove my point but I don't have the time nor energy.

    I believe you though. I don't think you are full of bs. Crap though, mentor? I feel chock full of hubris even entertaining the thought lol I would gladly drop everything I was doing to help someone if they asked but to elevate myself to that position troubles me. How do you reconcile that? When you teach a kid to tie it's shoes are you mentoring them or Maybe I just don't understand the concept.

    I've digress edutainment I will continue my thoughts which I've put a lot of time into. I'm trying to communicate my mess of who's without being caustic. If I have thus far offended you I sincerely apologize.

  4. Rachael Alexandra says:

    Ok so I'm trying to pick up where I left off after my phone died. I THINK this is the right post. I started to digress after I had mentioned I had been invited to g+ with all sorts of faith in me by a friend. He was all like ” just put yourself out there” , ” the cream floats to the top”. He never said anything about me being fundamentally flawed for this sort of thing lol, and that I'd have to present a false reality of who I am in order to prosper. That's part of why I feel alienated by the community as a whole. Part of the reason I do do “inspiring” is because I'm not inspired. That's not the disparage anyone at all. I am just not induced to feel that why by anyone else but myself. Sure , I can appreciate but very little inspires me save nature and the love of my family. I'm the only person I know that feels this way, makes me feel lonely. Even my bf isn't that way. Never had an idol, or role model or any band I was rabid for, or an artist I wanted to emulate. I've never wanted to emulate anyone lol This is a flaw?

    Anyway I went at G+ full bore, like it was my job and I got disenchanted real quickly. Disenchanted, left out and hurt. Because my head was filled with all these promises and expectations, my friend had faith in me that was unwarranted. The more time went on, the worse it became to the point where I would be regularly in tears. Where I spent money I didn't have to get things I needed to “measure up”. Now that I have a steady job though, I make a whole lot more there at 8$ an hour than I ever did working toward exposure. It feels almost pointless to post anymore if I'm not getting anywhere professionally because I'm too stubborn to follow the formula. That's the advice I get, is to follow the formula. I'm not exactly missed by maybe more than 2 people out 15,000. I'm not compelled to share for the sake of sharing, so what's the point? The less I've shared the happier I am. Though I lament because the thing I pretty much banked on ten years ago is a pipe dream now. Now I'm the equivalent of a janitor except more dirty lol That photography thing feels tainted now, all i recall is how my picture now matter how fricken perfect will get lost in the shuffle because I'm invisible. I was in visible for a reason , I couldn't be hurt. Impervious, but now that I've put myself out there and I'm largely still invisible I'm quite traumatized. I don't even know why I'm writing because I don't need pity, maybe just so you can know how I feel because it matters to me for you to know..

  5. Jaded Pixels says:

    I can't say that feeling invisible ever makes me feel like I fail, but it does make me feel insignificant, which is not something I welcome. Rejections and disappointments are what make my overachieving brain go into some form of failure fail-safe. I hit a darker place that makes me think about any previous rejects. I will be honest, before G+, I never dared share my creative side with anyone. Locally, I am just a project manager with funny hair, and I have come to accept it – not like it; not settle for it – accept it.

    When I think about it, I can't say for sure exactly what motivates me to create more so than another thing. Sometimes it is raw emotion, sometimes it is a wild make-up idea, and sometimes it is just a technique I want to hone in on (usually from school). On occasion, I have picked up my camera thinking I am going to create and end up doing something completely different.

    We all have trials in life and things that happen to us that change our course in life. About 10 years ago and even earlier than that, I was very negative towards myself and quite shut in on myself, so I do understand and sympathize with your words. I was often conflicted and did not see as much worth in myself as others saw.

    I would let the negative people fuel me more than I let the positive people because I was simply accustomed to that mindset. It was not an easy journey to even get to where I am now, but it is why I write, it is why I try to help, and it is why I try to understand the people around me. I was telling my boyfriend the other night how I play a game in the car when driving.

    A knee-jerk reaction when someone cuts you off is to make judgements about the person and why they are such an asshole, which I think we all do. My game kicks in after that reaction, though. I begin to think about all the potential reasons why someone could cut me off or whatever for good reasons. It may seem silly, but it stretches I different kind of muscle for me – my compassionate and understanding one. Sappy, I know, but it has helped me so much in managing my negativity.

    Even my boyfriend looked at me oddly when I told him about it.

    I think mentoring can seem like hubris when it is coming from a selfish place – I have worked with educators who do it for self glorification, but the mentoring I think of is based on all the best parts I have taken from spending the better part of a decade in higher education as a learner and as an administrator. The smallest gesture, to me, is still mentoring.

    I take part in critiques, answering questions about anything someone may ask me, and creating tutorials as a way to give back, if you will. By trade, I am not a mentor, but by personal nature, I am.

    Please know that I do not take any offense to someone speaking their mind. I am not easily offended nor did I find anything written caustic. It really takes a bit to get under my skin and it usually something someone is purposefully trying to do in the first place. To those types of people, they can just piss right off! =)

  6. Jaded Pixels says:

    I was quite the opposite when I started G+. I had buried my fine arts background under responsibility and bread-winning. It wasn't going to pay the bills no matter how much joy came from it. It was the equivalent of cutting a part of my own being from my anatomy. I just shut it off.

    It took me 10 years to even think about being artistic again and it was for my daughter that I began and to pass my lonely downtime as a single mom. When I began to do it again, a very nasty human being tried to berate and belittle me as a person and an artist and I began to shut down again.

    I happened upon G+ when I was incredibly sick with a an acute onset of vertigo, which had me home-bound for over a month. I started out there in the beta invite stage treating it like Facebook. Out of all 6 of my email accounts, each one was set up for something different. As you can tell, this was for my blogging lol. I had one for music, one for geekiness, and even one that circled news and news-type things. The art one is what stuck when I began to see all these really cool images popping up from nowhere.

    I began using that dumb little point and shoot camera to try to create things. I was so intimidated by the concept of curation and being laughed off the planet that I didn't share them with anyone outside the 30 people I circled. I started on there to make friends with new people and artists because I was sitting at home alone fighting off feelings of spinning uncontrollably.

    It did, however, spark within me that artistic side, which I really thought was gone forever. It was like a spark that lit a fire, which strengthened my confidence to create, learn, understand, and evolve into a field I never, EVER thought I would grasp and that was digital arts.

    In the beginning I did share for the sake of sharing – I think you said it best with the “social media as a job” sentiment. I created themes, participated in themes, and tried to absorb concepts and ideas as reference. Now, I am so much more pointed and direct. I post what I create and do it when I am prepared to do it.

    Lost in the shuffle is a great illustration for how I feel my work has evaporated into the G+ fold. There are so many ways for it to get lost or hidden under crud that unless someone is looking at their feed through the filters or looking at your page specifically, it falls off into the ether. It does make me more inclined to share here and share on my photo blog and G+ as more of an after thought.

    Honestly, I do believe that feeling invisible is one of the cruelest feelings, so I do thank you for sharing that with me. It is very tough because how does one change it? It isn't something easily corrected, but just so you know, you are NOT invisible to me and I do feel concern when I don't hear from you! =D

  7. Rachael Alexandra says:

    I appreciate you sharing your experience with me as well. I am glad I havnt caused you offense because I'm not looking critically at you, but ideas and philosophy. The way of things. I also appreciate the time you've taken to respond to me. As a lady of few moments i take the time given as a compliment and honor. If I didn't believe that youre coming from an honest place, I wouldn't broach these topics with you. These are my thoughts on the people who use mentoring for ego, who use inspiration for manipulation, who appear perfect in every way in line with the social construct of never being less than awesome.

    I'm the chick in the grocery store than answers honestly when I'm asked how my day is at the register lol Various reactions ensue or I'll tell them how pretty their hair is or their cologne smells nice. Also to varied responses. Going down the hallmark asile crying my eyes out because I'm so overcome with love and appreciation as I read the words in search of the best card. If I am anything I'm honest in how I feel. It goes against social norms though. I am exquisitely thin skinned and hyper emotional, the only way I know how to mitigate my character is to be reserved because I make people uncomfortable. I come with a disclaimer I'm “a lot of person” lol. These are the things I'm told, so they are what I go on.

    The chick you saw on the show is more me than anything else. It's the whole picture. A bit cerebral and a bit goofy but entirely harmless. I'm so happy you got to see me, not just read me. Billy is another, I love that guy. He's also a lot of person and we're very different but he's got a good soul. I'm beyond thankful for my beloved handful you included. I like to ponder on what mass appeal is, and I think it's in large part charisma. I'm not incredibly charismatic, i wish it came in a bottle lol

    Completely unrelated but I also want to pay you respect for not banking on overt sexuality or your body to gain momentum. I don't feel like the only girl NOT doing that and it's not because you have any body shame because you're a fit woman.

    I've got a wonky thyroid, have since I was 14. Graves disease, affects the hypothalamus. I had the thyroid treated but since my thyroid is an asshole it won't behave so I go alternating years of being under treated vs being over treated. So I'm fat with good reason 🙂 my metabolism comes in a pill lol if it's just a little off or having a shortage – boom fatland lol ( I am in good health otherwise though, good BP, and blood work #'s) I'm not terribly uncomfy I'm my skin but I know no one wants to see that and I've seen directly how much more people love you when you're thinner. I don't like that, makes me I'll to think people are that shallow. I fairly vain but not shallow. I want yo be showy because I have my good points bit I find it difficult being a mom but being kinda risqué at the same time.

    Anyway, I've never been a road rager. I hate driving though lol I have automatic compassion because I've done jerky things just out of anxiety ( driving anxiety is the worst one ) so I assume there are more causes than just being a jerky by nature. To be continued, lol family calls

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